Seán is one of our members and we included a shortened version of this story in our recent (November 2014) Newsletter.
My name is Seán. I was born into an Irish family in
New Zealand. We lived on a farm where we worked long hours milking cows every
morning and night. For this I got very little credit and no respect. In fact I
was often told I was lazy. My people would make up rules and regulations and
after I would follow them, they would change them to suit themselves. This made
me angry sometimes and left me with very low self-esteem.
At the end of November 1999 my life got very
dysfunctional. I had moved to New Orleans. I had a job but couldn’t find myself
a place to stay. I seemed to be always getting into controversies with people.
Also at work I would get involved in things that were none of my business. Even
my girlfriend asked me if I was on drugs.
For a week I ended up sleeping in the back of a van
on the street. Then I was in a homeless shelter which was much better. On the
Saturday morning I moved into a place called the Abstract Café. It was run by a
High Court Judge. He ran it for alcoholics and drug addicts. He asked me if I
was an alcoholic. I said I didn’t think so. He then asked me ten questions
about alcohol addiction and I said yes to every one of them.
For the first week I had to stay in the tank. I was
only allowed to go out to work. It was alright during the day time, but around
nine o’clock at night, I would get the shakes and the sweats. Then I would
start seeing staff that were not there and then came the cravings for alcohol.
It was so bad I thought that if I didn’t get any drink I would die. The door
was locked at nine o’clock every night so people could not go out drinking. The
sad part about this is I would have gone and drank if they had let me out. I
believed it wasn’t really drinking if I didn’t drink on Friday or Saturday
nights but went for one or two pints during the week. I thought “I only drink
beer, how could I be an alcoholic?”. I didn’t drink spirits or methylated
spirits like alcoholics do.
After a couple of attempts to give up drinking, it
was seven months later before I finally accepted I was an alcoholic. The first
three weeks after I stopped drinking were the hardest, but the more I stayed
off it, the easier it got. Also I gave myself a big pay rise - I seemed to have plenty of money for
everything. As the months passed, the bad days were better than the good days
I’d had the month before. I started to go to AA meetings. At first I thought
that I wasn’t as bad as these people but the more I went to the meetings, the
more I realised that I had a disease. In the AA meetings I heard the truth
about this disease, and that I’m not the only one who has it. A lot of people
helped me, help that I needed but didn’t think I deserved. One thing is that
none of us deserves this disease.
I am fourteen and a half years off the drink now. I
don’t get hallucinations, the shakes or blackouts. I don’t feel isolated or
feel sorry for myself.The AA meetings are a big help. I am better able to
take on responsibility. The AA meetings have encouraged me to take on
additional responsibilities which I wouldn’t have felt confident in doing
before like taking notes at the meetings. I now have confidence in myself to do
things. Instead of doing nothing except complaining and expecting someone else
to solve my problems.
I am more the person I always wanted to be, i.e. a
human being who is capable of taking things as they come. I now try to help
others in a better way. I first ask people what they need and want and then I
see what I can do. I don’t try to impose solutions as I would have done in the
past.
I see more room for improvements but I now realise
how far I have come. I feel good now and able to cope. I feel I am able to deal
with life on life’s terms. I don’t feel I have to be the centre of attention or
a hero. I can just be me.
-Seán
